I feel horrible for saying this, but I really, really want to go to Costume College. I want to forget that my best friend is dying. I want to finish up some costume pieces and have a stress-free vacation with my costuming friends. There is so much I want to discuss with you guys that I can't do online. I want to ooh and aah over your accomplishments and get the inspiration I've been lacking for mine.
I have no way of knowing how Ma'am is really doing aside from what the vet's lab results are telling me. She is the same old soul she's always been, except now I see she's slower, weaker, and not eating as much. The end stage diagnosis was a complete shock because there has been no change in her demeanor. Part of me wants to forego her kidney diet food and daily sub-q injections, just to give her a stress-free ending. But I will never forgive myself if I look back and feel like I killed her.
There is one more treatment option that the vet gave me, but I opted not to do it. See, your kidneys produce a hormone that tells your bone marrow to make red blood cells. Ma'am's kidneys aren't functioning, so her red blood cell count is practically nonexistent, hence her feeling weak. This last-resort treatment involves injecting her 1-3 times per week with this hormone she's not producing so she can make red blood cells. This also involves weekly monitoring of her red blood cell count. Even if I did the injections at home she would still have to go to the vet at least once a week for a blood sample to send to the lab. Plus, the cost on top of it all... Bottom line, I can't put her through that. But I can't help but feel like I'm quitting on her, either.
I don't know how much time we have left together. In some ways it would be easier for her to go soon. Both of our suffering would end. But I think of yesterday, when I napped on the sofa and she napped on my stomach...I'm tearing up at work thinking about it. I'm not ready to say goodbye. And if I'm gone for five days at CC, maybe she'll think I left her. Remember, it's just the two of us here. I'm her world.
I don't know where this is going. I guess I feel guilty for wanting to forget that she is leaving me. I missed Costume Con 2008 at the last minute and was horribly disappointed. It seems selfish, crass and gauche, though, to choose a stupid convention over the creature I vowed to care for. I'm so in denial. Fuck me.
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Comments
We love our pets so much, and it's always hardest to know when are the treatments we're seeking for them more for our benefit than theirs. I had two little loves, one with cancer and one with diabetes. Both times I had t oreach a point where I was clearly prolonging their suffering because I wanted them to stay with me, and I had to let them go.
I'm not saying you're at that point with your kitty, but it is such a difficult time and only you and your vet will be able to know what to do and when. I only hope you don't have a vet that plays your sympathy for more money on treatments that will not improve her quality of life.
Take care, and please know that we're here to comfort you here or from afar. If you come out because you need a break from your life and your troubles, there's nothing to be guilty of on that score. :-)
Everything you are going through is totally natural, and you are not a bad person. When my husband's mother passed away, I was very sad for her, but also resentful of the time I had to spend at the hospital. CoCo is important to you, so it's only natural that you're sad to miss it and wishing you could go. Don't feel like a bad kitty mommy!
Re: the various treatment options - if she's in the final stages, then the kindest thing to do is to make sure that it's as easy of a passing as it can be for her. Prolonging her life through multiple injections sounds like it would prolong her pain. You're doing what you can to ease things for her and being there with her, which is the most important thing.
Hugs!
Do what you can to ease your little one's time. Just make it comfortable for her & be there for her. That's what she needs. *hugs*
Many, many hugs to you both.
And re: CC, D & I haven't given up your room space, so if you do decide to come we would always love to see you. However, we have/havehad dear four-legged members of our respective families, too, so we totally understand if you don't make it. Either way, we love you and support you.
Re College: I haven't cancelled my flght yet, but the only way I would end up going is if Ma'am passes beforehand. I don't know anything more specific about her prognosis other than "weeks," which could be two, three, or 16. If she goes soon, I would likely fly out, but if not then I'll stay. However, please don't feel obligated to hold the spot for me.
If it's any comfort costume event-wise I do plan on doing more events at the farm - maybe you can come down and have some fun with the local group here.
Keeping you and Ma'am in my thoughts. Hugs.